But You Have No Idea
by alien09
Summary: It's unspoken, like much is between them, but Puck thinks sometimes the best way to talk to someone is without words.
1. Chapter 1

**A two-part told by Rachel and then Puck. The obligatory post-Funk ficlet. Takes place in my "You Think You Know" Universe.**

**Enjoy.**

_I loved you_.

Rachel wants to scoff, perhaps laugh derisively. She thinks it is ironic that the two times Jesse has mentioned love to her, it's been biting and not at all what she expected. But perhaps that is simply the way life has been for her, Rachel reasons to herself as she imagines the egg yolk dripping down into her eyes and mouth. It was foolish of her to think that she could ever out-manipulate a person who had been intent on using her from the beginning.

Her mother. His defection. And now _this_.

Rachel doesn't know how much more she can take. Sure she's always prided herself on plowing forward, compartmentalizing the hate and ridicule inflicted upon her in school. It's a good foundation for her to call upon when she's a world-acclaimed actress, this hurt and pain that swirls around inside her chest like an angry hornet's nest. It stings and Rachel rubs at it absently in the empty choir room, her costume for the funk number they are going to perform shortly already on. Mr Schue had requested one final run through before they go on stage and decimate Vocal Adrenaline. The thought of the devastated looks on Giselle and Jesse's faces makes Rachel bite her lip in anticipation.

She's never been an advocate of intentionally inflicting harm on people. McKinley has been too much of a deterrent for that. Rachel has played the victim too long, been too compliant with her detractors. Yes it is necessary to maintain this warped version of a status quo – where her talent is often ignored by Mr Schue during one of his teaching moments, where a slushie facial is par for the course, where Quinn sketching that atrocious picture of her a few weeks ago with the word loser spelled out in capital letters.

Her fingers fist in the thin cotton of her red shorts and Rachel bows her head, blinks her eyes furiously so that the burning behind them doesn't become too much to bear. She's cried too much already, shed too many tears for people who didn't deserve them at all.

Finn with his clumsy rejection. Jesse with his simple turn of the cheek. Shelby with her proclamation that being her mother was just simply too hard.

Rachel had never felt so _lonely_.

There is a shuffling of feet and Rachel squeezes her eyes tight before slowly opening them. She is taken aback to see Santana and Brittany in front of her, Mercedes, Tina and Quinn ringed behind them. Rachel resists the urge to scoot her chair back a few healthy inches, flickers her eyes around to wonder if this is an ambush. These girls (perhaps maybe not Tina and quite possibly Mercedes) all hate her with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

'Chillax RuPaul,' Santana tells her, sounding supremely bored. 'We're here to pull you out of that deep funk you're in.'

Rachel narrows her eyes, the wariness already settling in. 'Thank you Santana but I assure you that I'm-'

'Rachel, what Jesse did was whack,' Mercedes interrupts her, folds her arms across her chest while giving her a knowing look. 'Don't tell me I didn't see that sad, _Dear John _expression on your face when Vocal Adrenaline went all Queen on our behinds.'

'I always knew Jesse was going to defect,' she informs them and isn't surprised to see their expressions widen in what she thinks is anger. 'Did any of you actually think that a seasoned performer like that was going to give up his coronation before graduation by transferring to _McKinley_?'

'So you knew-' Quinn starts and Rachel shakes her head, angling her face away from their stares.

'Of course I knew. Despite your lack of faith in me, I am very much aware of why _the _Jesse St James chose me. Aside from the obvious instructions from my mother, he was simply utilizing me as a cover so that he successfully infiltrate our club.'

'But you liked him,' Tina manages to point out.

_I still do_.

It irritates Rachel, the fact that Jesse is always going to be remembered as her first _real _boyfriend. Now that memory is going to be tainted as well, as many of her good ones are.

'Yes. I fell for his boyish good looks and incredible charisma,' Rachel says. 'His confidence was extremely attractive.' She pauses, takes a deep breath. 'He was also the only boy who genuinely appreciated me in spite of the majority of my so-called friends kindly reminding him of my numerous _crazy _qualities,' she finishes and doesn't bother masking her rebuke. Mercedes winces and Tina looks slightly queasy. Quinn raises an eyebrow.

'I'm not crazy. My parents had me tested,' Brittany announces and then pats Rachel on the shoulder. 'Maybe you should ask your dads to do the same.'

Santana rolls her eyes and maybe she's imagining it, but Rachel thinks she sees a hint of respect buried behind the Latina's gaze.

'Thank _god_. There's actually a backbone buried somewhere inside there. Look Man Hands, I'm not breaking a nail throwing down with those VA bitches. But Schue was right about one thing – there's nothing better than taking someone down through song,' Santana says and Rachel finds herself growing curious despite her better judgment.

'I'm sorry?'

'If Madonna thought us anything, it's that us girls have got to stick together. And you're one of us as much as it pains me to say it,' Quinn remarks, the half-smile she's sending Rachel's way taking the edge off her words.

'We sisters have got to do it for ourselves,' Mercedes agrees.

'Excellent use of Aretha Franklin,' Rachel commends and sweeps her gaze around, feels something warm sprout within her stomach. Perhaps glee really _had _been good for _something_. 'So what exactly did you have in mind?'

It is quick and hasty, and the perfectionist inside of her simply _rebels _at the thought of doing anything that isn't anything but flawless.

It reminds her of Jesse, ironically. Meeting him had never been planned, what transpired after happening so fast that she had often found herself wondering whether it had actually _happened_. They aren't faultless together either, the two of them – Jesse revels in his role as a miva, and Rachel isn't going to tame her high maintenance desires for anyone.

But the two of them together had felt _right_, as much as she hates herself for even considering that, just as much as what is about to occur.

'See you punks at Regionals,' Puck calls out and Rachel wrings her hands together, spots Mercedes brush by her ex-boyfriend. Rachel sees him about to open his mouth, disentangles her fingers to grab him around the arm and drag him into the wing.

'What the fuck Berry?' Puck demands, glancing down at her. Rachel feels the warmth of his skin and colours slightly, attempts to be nonchalant as she drops her hold.

'I apologize for ruining what I assume was your rather well-thought out parting line, but there is something that I…that I have to do,' she tells him, stumbling over the right word. She doesn't _want _to do it, maybe _needs _it a little. But ultimately perhaps _having _to do it is the correct thing to say after all, because she's always believed that music was the best form of expression.

She sees Tina and Mercedes take their position, the Cheerios lining up on the other side, and straightens her shoulders and places her cap onto Puck's head by tipping her toes.

'Wish me luck.' She doesn't know what possesses her to say it because Puck looks confused, his stare burning into her back as Rachel saunters onto the stage behind the mike. Jesse is there, smack in the middle, and this time when Rachel looks at him she sees him for what he truly is.

Another boy who has trampled all over her heart.

'This encore is dedicated to you Jesse. You were a great read,' she says and Jesse's brow furrows as he contemplates her words. Jesse has been her self-help book, a study of how to be at the top and act as if you deserve to be there too. And Rachel thinks she's learned enough from him to be able to go forward on her own, that despite his motivations his time with her hasn't been entirely wasted on just deception and deceit.

As the opening strains of _Irreplaceable_ fill the auditorium, Rachel wonders why it's all too easy to find a song that expresses how she feels after a boy has disappointed her.

[Key: Rachel, _**the rest of the girls**_,** together**]

_**To the left**_

_**To the left**_

Ooh ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

_**Mmmm to the left, to the left**_

You look so dumb right now,  
Standin' outside my house,  
Tryin' to apologize,  
You're so ugly when you cry,  
Please, just cut it out.

Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not,  
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught,  
But you put on quite a show _**(oh)**_,  
You really had me goin',  
But now it's time to go _**(oh)**_,  
Curtain's finally closin',  
That was quite a show _**(oh)**_,  
Very entertainin',  
But it's over now (but it's over now),  
Go on and take a bow, ohh ohh.

Grab your clothes and get gone _**(get gone)**_,  
**You better hurry up** before the sprinklers come on _**(come on)**_,  
Talkin' 'bout girl, I love you, you're the one,  
This just looks like a re-run,  
Please, what else is on…

**Standing in the front yard, telling me****  
****How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout****  
****How I'll never ever find a man like you****  
****You got me twisted**

Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not  
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught  
But you put on quite a show  
Really had me going  
But now it's time to go  
Curtain's finally closing  
That was quite a show  
Very entertaining  
But it's over now _**(but it's over now)**_  
Go on and take a bow

Oh, And the award for  
The best liar goes to you _**(goes to you)**__**  
**_For making me believe _**(that you)**__**  
**_That you could be faithful to me  
Let's hear your speech, Oh

So since I'm not your everything _**(irreplaceable)**_  
How about I'll be nothing _**(nothing)**_? Nothing at all to you _**(nothing, nothing)**_  
Baby I won't shed a tear for you _**(I won't shed a tear for you)**_  
I won't lose a wink of sleep _**(a wink of sleep)**__**  
**_'Cause the truth of the matter is _**(truth is)**__**  
**_Replacing you is so easy

_**To the left**_

_**To the left**_

_**Mmmm to the left, to the left**_

_**Everything you own in the box to the left**_

_**To the left**_

_**To the left**_

Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'  
You're irreplaceable

_**You must not know 'bout me**__**  
**__**You must not know 'bout me**__**  
**_I can have another you in a minute  
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute (baby)

_**You must not know 'bout me**__**  
**__**You must not know 'bout me**__**  
**_I can have another you by tomorrow  
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'? 

_**You must not know 'bout me **_(baby)_**  
**__**You must not know 'bout me**_  
I can have another you in a minute  
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute

You can pack all your bags we're finished _**(you must not know 'bout me)**_  
'Cause you made your bed now lay in it _**(you must not know 'bout me)**__**  
**_I could have another you by tomorrow  
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'  
You're **irreplaceable**

The stunned look on Jesse's face is worth it.

Santana was right – there was nothing better than ripping someone to shreds lyrically.

**a/n: google the mash up – its called "Taking A Bow is Irreplaceable". I added a few verses to it but its essentially the same.**

**Now that this has been purged from my system – off to write some Poltergeist and/or North!**

**PLEASE REVIEW! **


	2. Chapter 2

Puck traces the rim of Rachel's cap, still kind of stunned about what had just went down. Rachel had full on musically fucked St Douche before she had walked off the stage. It wasn't until she was close that Puck saw the trembling lips and glassy eyes. He'd kind of been stunned into complete immobility because he had completely forgotten the wood pissed off Rachel gives him until that epic mash up.

Seeing Finn want to make his way after Rachel kind of spurs him into action. He plucks the tiny hat off his head and brushes by Hudson, catches the slightly pissy expression plastered over his best friend's face.

'I got this,' is all he says and apparently it's enough because he doesn't hear footsteps behind him. Puck walks by the choir room and heads towards the bleachers. The fact that he knows that Berry won't want to be in her usual safe haven should freak him out but he ignores the thought just like he pushes away the image of handing his baby girl over to some pencil pusher in a sweater vest.

He finds her hunched over, her brown hair whipping around in the small breeze that passes over his face. Puck hovers behind her for a moment, trying to figure out what the fuck he's actually going to say. The last time he'd spoken to Berry it had been about ball sweat, and she'd actually looked like she'd wanted to bite his head off like a chick praying mantis. Puck fidgets uncertainly, turns the hat in his hands.

'Is there a reason you've resorted to staring at me Noah?' Rachel asks and Puck winces. Swallowing he drops himself down next to her, doesn't bother to glance sideways when he hands her back her cap. He can't miss the flash of bare leg that taunts him though and his fingers twitch like they want to run themselves over the skin on display.

'So that was pretty hardcore Berry. You made that Broadway fairy your bitch,' he starts and Rachel purses her lips.

'Jesse wasn't gay Noah. I find it offensive that you would-'

'Whatever. Dude doesn't deserve your sympathy,' Puck mumbles, remembering Rachel telling them that she would have nightmares about chickens now for the rest of her life. He recalls the flash of rage that had made his muscles pull taunt when she'd spilled that Jesse had actually smooshed an egg on her forehead. Sure Puck had thrown slushies at Berry but that egg stunt? _That _had been some personal shit, and it was crossing some kind of line in the sand.

If Noah Puckerman thought you'd fucked up, he thought wryly, then your shit must seriously be screwed.

'If you don't mind, I'd prefer to be alone right now,' Rachel asks and its all very polite and informal, like he's just someone she can brush off. Or that he's someone who just doesn't care. The latter thought makes him a bit angry.

'You've been alone a lot lately,' he points out and it isn't to be cruel, not really. Because it's the truth isn't it? Puck _knows _what alone feels like. Since the big reveal people have given him a wide berth. Quinn still hated him and since she'd moved out to live with Mercedes, his mother had stopped screaming at him on a daily basis. Sometimes he would find himself wanting to call Finn, to just _talk _about the epic crapfest his life has become. But then he would remember that while Hudson was down with slashing tires and going on Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline's ass, Puck was still the asshole that had knocked up his girlfriend.

Rachel's bitter laugh snaps him out of his funk.

'Well I suppose that is the case,' she agrees with him and this surprises him. He looks at her out of the corner of his eye, catches the downward pull of her features. It kind of makes him feel bad because sure there were times Berry made him want to light himself on fire, but most of the time she was kind of cool. Like when she had invited him over to make that lame video. He'd pretty much poured his heart out (kinda) and Rachel hadn't shut him down. Instead she'd kind of held his hand, spoke about him like she had actually been bothered with what he had said.

'You okay?' He asks and realizes how retarded it sounds because it was way obvious she wasn't. Rachel must be thinking the same thing because she kind of smirks. It's totally sexy and Puck grins back.

'I'm fine Noah,' she answers and plasters on this fake smile that has his grin fading.

'Don't bullshit me Berry,' he snorts. 'You looked like your puppy died when that asshat came on stage.'

Rachel sighs, long and heavy, and fiddles with her fingers.

'I always knew Jesse was going to go back,' she explains and there is something about the way she says it that makes Puck think she's said this more than once.

'_What_?'

She quirks an eyebrow. 'Honestly Noah, I knew from the start that Jesse's introduction was spurred by ulterior purposes. If there is anyone I know better than myself, it is Jesse St James.'

'So you knew that loser was going to fuck you over?'

Rachel rolls her eyes, waves her hands in the air. Puck narrows his gaze.

'You are legit insane midget. And I mean that.'

'I am _not _a midget,' Rachel retorts haughtily. 'And my situation with Jesse is too complicated-'

Puck scoffs. Rachel huffs out, sounds irritated.

'Look Noah, Jesse was my first true boyfriend-'

'Dude, are you forgetting that we hooked up?' He interrupts and feels offended.

'That brief week we were together consisted of us making out in clandestine locations,' Rachel comments dryly. 'That does not constitute a healthy relationship.'

'Oh. I'm sorry I forgot making you into an omelet gets you off.'

'Noah,' she says. 'I'm not trying to insult you. But did you honestly have feelings for me when we engaged in your tryst?'

Puck remembers his dream and his mother telling him to find a nice Jewish girl. Rachel interprets his silence for what it is and pats his hand gently.

'Despite his actions, Jesse did genuinely care about me. And I for him.'

'Why?' The question burns in his head.

'Because…because he _cared_,' she whispers and its kind of broken. It makes him want to give her a hug. 'He was the first person I ever told about my mother and it is extremely difficult to attain that level of intimacy with anyone. How many people do you discuss your father with?'

Touché.

'And he's also everything I want to be,' she admits and he can tell that this admission is costing her something fierce. 'He's confident, so _sure _of himself. I would give anything to be like that.'

Puck stares at her like she's grown a third head. Seriously? This chick doesn't think she's _self-assured_?

'What the fuck is wrong with you?' Puck says and Rachel snaps her eyes towards him, fire burning. 'You are pretty much the most scary female I know on this planet. And that includes my mother. Shit Rachel, I wouldn't want to be in your way when you want something. I'm pretty sure you'd cut my dick off with a rusty knife and shove it down my throat or something.'

'Thank you?'

'Seriously Berry, if you're going to put somebody on a pedestal at least idolize someone who looks like he sucks cock on the side. Try someone badass like Batman.'

'You want me to don spandex and become a vigilante?' Rachel jokes, wrinkles her nose up. She looks kind of adorable, he thinks, and something inside him wants to reach over and trace his fingers down her arm.

'Fuck you can rock those shorts for all I care,' he leers and is satisfied when Rachel giggles, hides her hand behind her mouth. 'No denyin' those legs of yours are prime spank bank material.'

'_Noah_!' She gasps and attempts to looks scandalized.

'Please. Don't even,' he says and sees her mouth tilt up at the corners.

They sit there, side by side, and it isn't awkward or anything. It's kind of nice Puck thinks. Like that day when he had sat on her bed and listened to her tell him all that stuff about how she tries so hard to be everything she isn't just so that people might like her. They were both the same come to think of it. Two small town Jews who were misunderstood, stuck in a lonely world.

'Thank you Noah,' she tells him softly, voice shy. He nudges her shoulder with his own.

_Thank you for believing in me_.

It's unspoken, like much is between them, but Puck thinks sometimes the best way to talk to someone is without words. Their relationship is kind of like Braille. All those highs and lows mapped out in raised dots to decipher with touch. You walk into it with your eyes closed and you're not sure what to expect until the silence reveals what you want to know.

In this silence Rachel Berry becomes a book he wishes desperately to read. For some reason Puck hopes she feels the same way.


End file.
